Thursday, March 04, 2010

friends: do they reflect yourself? [part 1]

every now and then, people undergo some changes. do friends reflect those changes?
I'm not saying that you are what your friends are; or your friends are what you are, for that matter. I'm saying that does the qualities you find in your circle of friends reflect what you yourself are? 

Like me, I realized that when I was in elementary school, I wanted friends that are fun and easy to fool around with. And then in lower form of high school, I went for the rebellious group; bcos i was also kinda in the rebellious stage, I guess? Later, in upper form of high school, I had a gang of good friends, some of them were my partner in crime, and some of them were perfect-attendance, prim and proper, goody students. I know that all students are academically concerned, and study (amount of studying varies), but I think that I didn't and don't choose whom I'm friends with according to their time spent studying. Well, maybe because I myself didn't (and don't) study that much. 

I was and oddball in kindergarten; I didn't know how to be friends with others around my age yet, so I don't think I have any social experience worth counting whatsoever. I thought that I don't need good, close friends in kindergarten because of its short period (less than 6 hours in school), and that I have my family when I go home after school. I looked at the kindergarten system as something troublesome and not worthy of my time. We were taught how to read, count, and some other things. I thought that it was meaningless because I have already learned all that at home; my mom and my sisters/brothers taught me before I enrolled in the preschool. And being usually around adults and older sisters/brothers, I was kinda pissed and annoyed being around children and little kids (although I myself was a kid at that time). So I tried to act all right and efficient. I remember that during morning roll call, when the teacher asked us to line up, I was the first one to start the line, and then I'd go back to the back of the line because I was the tallest. Perhaps I was over thinking that situation. I should have just enjoyed my life in kindergarten. 

During the first couple years of elementary school, I was better at 'being in school', but I still didn't have any close, best friends. In the 2nd year, there was a transfer student in our class. There was an empty seat next to me at the back of the classroom, and she's kinda tall, so the teacher gave her that seat. I was usually quiet and not that friendly with people, but I guess she's 'special'. It was kinda out of character, but I immediately started talking to her. We talked, and she said that she'd already learned the materials before. She have already done the 2nd year materials at her school before because her parents were school teachers. I thought "cool", and here was a person who knew how i felt. And maybe I was attracted by her matured appearance. We became best friends. People in the school used to say that wherever she is, I'd be there, and wherever I am, she'd be there too. With her at my side, I started to have better relationships with the others; I started to like school; I started to like being around these 'kids'.

So my circle of friends grew. I let a few others enter that circle. But in the middle of it, I knew that I have her. I thought that she knew too; that I still cherished her above the others, but I guess simply knowing and letting her know is different. As I became more friendly with the other girls, she became more insecure of me. Of course, there's a lot more to our drama than my and her making other friends; there's the different activities we participated in, the misplaced presents I tried to give my two good friends, etc. Then in year 5, she wrote a letter to me; a letter expressing how she felt and asking me what I think about her. I got the letter, I read it, but then I didn't know what to write back to her. Should I say that I like her very much and that she should not worry about the other girl? Should I tell her that I don't want to choose between her and the other girl? Should I just tell her that she's my first best friend, and that I hoped that she would remain so forever, and that I don't want to share her with the annoying girl that kept latching on her, and that I regretted losing her so much? Too much 'should I's, but given the state of mind I was in at that time, I didn't write her anything. Time passed, and although distanced, we were still in the same circle of friends. I was happy with that. I felt that it was enough for someone like me. I hurt her, and I tried to atone it by hurting myself back; I knew it was never 'enough' for us to be in just the same circle of friends. I wanted her to be my best friend forever, but I stopped myself at the thought of hurting her again. It pained me at how distant we became, and how we moved on our separate ways. Don't get me wrong; I do like the other best friend I got out of all these, but I just wished that I have both of them instead. 

There were sweet and painful memories of elementary school, but I was more than ready to start a new chapter. Putting all the dramas behind, I welcomed the new life of boarding school in high school. 


UMAH said...

read half way... sound perverted gile kat skolah rdh.. sound more like male-female relationship.. hahaha! :P

Nor Hidayah said...

what perverted?

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