Saturday, November 12, 2016

What is Death.

The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.

9/11/2016. 3.20 a.m. Woke up in panic. Window near bed was knocked and rattled hard. Faz told me to look at my phone.

1. Denial. 10 minutes it took me to read and re-read and try to understand what they wrote. Hands shaking. I sat down. Called Cikna.

2. Anger. 30 minutes of accusing Abah. Did he asked Mak to do something tiring yesterday? Packed and started car to come home. Angry at other people sitting near Mak's body. No that's my mom and that's my place.

3. Bargaining. This I will always do. I should have been home already when Mak asked "yah ko balik kan malam ni?" "Minggu ni balik?". I should have done it on the spot when she asked me to help cut her nails. Should have woke up earlier to help tidy up her edible garden backyard. Should have massaged her more or at least repair her massage chair. Should have taken her to all of her medical check ups. Should have cooked for her more. Should have washed her clothes more. Should have treat her better. Should have love her better. Should have hug her longer the last time I hugged her. Ya Allah, Mak ampunkan salah silap, ampunkan segala kekurangan layanan, halalkan segala makan minum dari kecik sampai la besar ni. How they say you can feel and miss a person's warm hug. How many times i stopped myself from lying down next to her instead of just kissing and hugging her.

4. Depression. How to study and justify why you're feeling sad? It comes and it goes. At times it's bad and at times it's good  remembering the sadness and memories with and of her. Was she happy?

5. Acceptance. Accept what? She left this world, and her soul is going to the next. We lost her living body, buried in plot 219 at the cemetery. Accept that I can never again talk to her in this world, never hug her again, never to have her here again. Accept that the people coming were all here for her, people that her good heart had touched. People that although not our blood-related family, might have played a role in her life. The life when I was not there with her during weekdays. The life and her social circle that I was not part of. Accept to let them say their du'a and goodbyes as well. Accept that she has lived a full life and it was time for her to go. I still want her but it is Allah's will.

What is death.
But a separation of this material world.

Ya Allah ampunkanlah dosa ibuku Hajjah Futor binti Haji Anuar, terimalah segala amal ibadatnya. Lepaskanlah ibuku daripada sebarang seksa kubur dan api neraka. Masukkanlah beliau ke dalam golongan hamba-Mu yang soleh. Permudahkanlah urusannya di akhirat dan tempatkanlah ibuku di jannah, ya Allah. Semoga ibuku damai di sana.

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